poison oak.

Um

2009-12-29T12:05:54Z

I think I'm one corner of a square at the moment. I'm getting a little nervous...

Everyone is right.

2009-12-14T04:50:28Z

I am doomed to be the "forever friend." I am the girl that is "really cool," not the girl you date. Even my boyfriend of four years decided that I make a better friend than girlfriend.

And the thing that makes me maddest is that THIS is what I'm thinking about right now! I should be worrying about getting my life back together, not dwelling on the same things I did in high school!

This wasn't in my plans...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

x___murderer @ 2009-11-23T23:06:00

2009-11-24T07:06:57Z

I'd appreciate if everyone would hold back their "I told you so's."

fuck.
:[

nothing makes sense.

2009-07-15T16:41:47Z

I'm going through a quarter life crisis.

I'm just having a really hard time deciding what is really important.
But I think I'm closer to figuring it out than I was before.

i think

2009-04-27T04:34:39Z

i am probably slowly killing brain cells by watching too many VH1 reality shows. I crack up over what people will do to be on television. Daisy of Love is my new guilty pleasure.

Other than that, nothing too exciting is up.

I'm not very interesting. :p

x___murderer @ 2009-03-24T09:29:00

2009-03-24T17:35:04Z

for some reason, I am ALWAYS irritatable on Tuesdays. It is by far my worst day of the week. I cannot focus, and the littlest things bug me. It always takes forever, too!

Plus, I'm driving my mom's four-runner this week, and I hate driving that stupid thing more than anything, even the ugly giant van at work. I have to slam on the gas pedal to go freaking 70.

can't it just be five o'clock already?? or better yet, April 8th?

I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.

2009-03-16T21:53:33Z

Just counting down the days until vacation. Also keeping entertained reading daily hate messages about yours truly. :D

and yes, I am a hypocrite from time to time, but there are very few people that aren't. I'm no better than anyone else, and at least I'm honest about it.

despite my last entry and a little bit of confusion, I really am pretty happy right now. Content at the very least.

also, I forgot how much I LOVE this song...

One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call "love" is a risk
To always get hit out of nowhere by some wave out of nowhere, and end up on your own.

The hole in the hull defied the crews attempts to bail us out.
It flooded the engines, and radio
..Half buried bow.

The tongue is a rudder that steers the whole ship
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.

But the wrong words will strand you
Come off course while you sleep
Sweep your boat out to sea,
or dashed to bits on the reef.

The vessel groans, as the ocean pressure hits it's frame
To the port I see the lighthouse, through the sleet and the rain
And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts.
The morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.

They say that the captain, they stay with the ship,
Through still and storm.
...But this ain't the Dakota, the water's cold.
Won't have to fight for long.

This is the end.

This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear
Call me and let me taste the salt you breathe while you were underneath
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.
I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
I know that this is what you want. A funeral keeps both of us apart. You know that you are not alone.
Need you like water in my lungs.

ugggghhh

2009-03-08T21:33:32Z

Nothing spectacular to talk about, really.

Had a fun week/weekend.
Last night I got fall-over drunk and embarrassed myself a bit after drinking cranberry and vodka while bowling. I don't know if it was taking my Celexa for the first time in two weeks that caused me to be such a lightweight, or what. :p
Buttt, on the bright side, Shwayze was playing at a 21+ nightclub last night, and since Erin, Tom and I are not yet 21, we decided to wander [ahem-I stumbled] through the Grand Sierra to see if we could find them. After about 2 minutes and a pee break, there we see Cisco Adler and Shwayze leaving a bar. They were really nice guys, though shorter than expected and in a rush to get to the show.
I later proclaimed that I FOUND THEM and am a good luck charm, which is total BS, I could barely speak or see straight, let alone find people in a casino. haha, I suck so much. :/
I wish I would have been a little less out of it, though. Maybe I could have charmed Cisco and Shwayze with my awesome, and we could have convinced them to eat chicken fried steak and eggs with us, rather than from room service. haha.

That's all, I guess.
I love life right now.

Who says that murder's not an art?

2009-02-17T04:37:03Z

I feel like I should update, though there's not necesssarily that much to talk about that hasn't been covered before.

I'll start with the basic stuff. SOMEBODY got Jarod and I OBSESSED with OTH, and I can't stop watching the dvds. I have a girl crush on Sophia Bush now. hahaha.
I won ATL tickets for April on the radio, because I'm pretty cool and picked three songs that the dj liked. I've never really won anything before, so I'm still excited about it. Mostly because I get to go to Sac with some of my best friends. :)

Otherwise, I've been well. With me, there's always at least a day a week where I'm grumpy or overanalyze something or cry for no particular reason, but that's so much better than how often I used to be in that state of mind. And I am so thankful that Jarod is so patient and tolerant of my sometimes unstable mindset. It's going to take me awhile to be completely happy go lucky, because I've never been. It's hard for me to adjust, because I've always had such high anxiety and depression. It's hard to drop that weight overnight, but my doctor and I are working on it. She's prescribing different things to help out, and I'm working on a more positive outlook.

But I think that some of the weight has been lifted, since dropping some of the unnecessary drama from my life. I try to avoid it at all costs, and it's working out well. I'm immeasurably more optimistic. It feels good to feel cared about by more than one or two people again. I'm having fun, and it makes the bad days feel better. And though I sometimes want to punch him in the head, I have an incredibly thoughtful and caring boyfriend. I'm pretty lucky for the people in my life. I'm lucky to be growing closer with people I care about, and meeting new friends.

And though money is still always a worry, as is so common these days, I still hold onto the hope of winning the lottery. ;] With that money, I'd get my wants, my needs, maybe a few little nip & tucks, and then spoil the hell out of the people I love.

...Because I'm starting to figure out that that's what life is all about- bettering the lives of those you love. And I can't do it monetarily at this point, but I hope I am at least having some sort of positive effect on someone without it. I know that that's what they've done for me. I feel I'm truly a better person for those in my life.

I hope some people are noticing the change.

x___murderer @ 2008-12-30T09:26:00

2008-12-30T17:33:11Z

I definitely needed this vacation from work. It has proven to relax me and make me chill out more than I could have imagined. I actually have a few hours to myself, time to clear my head and focus on me.

Things are looking positive again. The house just may come through, which is much more than I expected. My relationship is going good. My three year anniversary is today, and we're going to sushi for dinner. It really hasn't seemed that long. :p

My friendships are better than ever. I feel like I have people I can count on again, and that feels nice.

I'm just really thankful for everything and everyone in my life right now.

x___murderer @ 2008-12-14T21:30:00

2008-12-15T05:30:35Z

Wow. I am watching another heath ledger movie while sick. I'm seeing a trend. This one entails a lot of people getting shot in the eye. Work tomorrow. Seven days until i'm off for two weeks. So stoked. :)

hahahaahah

2008-11-16T17:18:18Z

Proof that karma is, in fact a spiteful, dirty, kick you down when you're on top of the world and spit in your face, BITCH.

Semi-long story, but oh, is it worth it.

I've told some of you about my disowned cousin who took advantage of my mom to the tune of $40,000, then left her to clean up her mess when she took off to get married to the guy she was fighting in court.

Well, for 10 months she has refused to pay my mom back, though my mom paid for her and her daughter to live with them, and then paid for their move into their own place. Plus she paid for her car, lawyer, medical bills, clothes, ect. All my mom has asked her for was a few hundred a month until $10,000 is paid of the $40,000, and she refuses to pay any of it.

Well, she's been bragging about buying a Hummer "just like aunt Diane's, let's see how she likes it." --instead of using that large car payment to pay my mother. They were going on Saturday afternoon to get it.

So, on Friday night, she and her husband decide to go out drinking. They leave my 16 year old cousin with the baby and a 9 year old, until they decide to come home at 6:30am. Instead of getting home though, their drunk asses crash their truck into a ditch. An onlooker calls the cops, because they were obviously wasted. This will be his 4th DUI, but only her 2nd, so she tries to take the fall, even though he is in the drivers seat when the cops show up.

Believe it or not, the police aren't totally stupid, and decide to take them both to jail, since they don't want to tell the truth. So, they've been in jail until this morning, and have to use that precious Hummer fund to bail themselves out, because she doesn't have a well off aunt on her good side anymore.

...oh, and it's going to be awfully hard to pay for a Hummer with her $700 a month disability, and his 12 cent an hour salary when he's in prison.

My mom called her and said it very simply...

"Karma, bitch."

♥

x___murderer @ 2008-11-15T10:11:00

2008-11-15T18:23:37Z

In a time when everything seems to be going great, and I have no complaints, my anxiety has reached levels so high that I feel like it's going to strangle me. Any little problem seems to paralyze me with fear, and I get these awful stress headaches and feel ulcers developing in the pit of my stomach.

But everything is so good. I love my job, I'm buying my dream house, I have great friends and a good relationship with my boyfriend and my family. But I think everything is going so well that I have this intense feeling that it can't possibly continue, that I don't deserve it, that nothing good lasts forever. I've had such a hard time getting to this point that I'm waiting for another wrench to be thrown in the tires, causing everything to come crashing down and leaving me in a place worse than before.

And I can't shake the feeling. It's so hard to be happy when I'm fearing the worst. I try and try to think positively, and most of the time, I succeed for a couple days, but then one day my realtor or loan officer doesn't call me back, and I think the worst and have a panic attack.

~~I think~~ I know that it's a product of my necessity to overthink and analyze everything, and I'm working very hard to stop. I'm making an effort to relax, go out, continue on, and enjoy it while it lasts. And if I'm lucky, I think this one might last a long time.

♥

x___murderer @ 2008-10-25T13:09:00

2008-10-25T20:22:30Z

I'm in the best mood I've been in a long time. I've been feeling like everything is going exactly how it should.

My friends are wonderful people. I'm doing better at keeping in touch with those important to me, and I've become happier because of it. I'm coming out of my shell.
My relationship has become stronger than ever.
My relationship with my family has mended.
I've been preapproved to own my own home. To start my life and make something my own, for the long term.
I love my job. There is never a day where I dread going to work.

But most of all, I'm not as negative as I used to be. I've let go of grudges I've held for years. When things don't go the way they were planned, I'm brushing them off. Maybe some things aren't meant to be, and I'm okay with that. I was so miserable in my jobs for the last two years, getting screwed over and pushed around over and over again. And look what happened; I got my dream job. So that house that we are in second place getting? If it's meant to be, the other loan will fall through, like it did before, and we will get our home. If not, we will find something amazing to call our own.

I'm cool. I'm genuinely happy, and things can only get better at this point.

x___murderer @ 2008-09-17T04:46:00

2008-09-17T04:52:26Z

I dont know what my issue is lately. I'm some sort of emotional rut. I can't explain why, but i honestly feel like my spirit is broken. I'm listless and unmotivated, and my self esteem is lowering by the day. I go to work, and by the time i get home all i feel like doing is eat mms and watch friends reruns. And the thing that bothers me the most is that there is nothing to make me feel better lately. I've just caught a bad case of depression i think, and i really just want it gone.

it's time for me.

2008-08-09T21:51:37Z

This sumer hasn't really been for me. I went on my vacation, and that was great. But since, it's been full of stress and hardships.
I had to find a job, jarod's grandfather was in the hospital immediately after we got back. We stayed in the hospital 4 nights a week, and visited everyday.
My friends had to be put on the back burner.

But now that I am working a job that is potentially my lifetime career, allowing me to retire at 45, that stress is off of my back. I had a very upsetting week last week, with drama, a death, and a funeral; I was emotionally drained. I was never close with my own grandfather, so this one hit me hard.

But now that everything has calmed down, I want some time with my friends. I'm beginning to feel like this summer was wasted on worry. I want to hang out, catch up, have some freaking fun. It's felt like I've added years onto my life, and I need to be irresponsible and carefree to get them back.

Going to Warped Tour next Saturday, and that's definitely a start. I was so worried I wouldn't be able to go this year, but now that I am, I'm feeling more confident that there is hope yet this august.

I can only hope that I can do more before it's too late, and I turn into a washed up old hag before my 21st birthday. hahaha.

love.

x___murderer @ 2008-07-12T12:22:00

2008-07-12T19:28:07Z

my vacation was just what I needed. I cleared my head, got rid of some of this bs stress, and worked on my relationship with my family and Jarod.

But coming home has been a punch in the stomach by reality.
Not working sucks, especially when there are bills to pay.
We've been spending all of our free time in the hospital, waiting waiting waiting.
And I suck at job interviews, but I really hope I got the job. :p

But my unemployment has been granted. So that will help the rent aspect.
and I found a job that I'm actually interested in, just waiting for a call is the hardest part.
And I'm hoping that the stability is a sign of recovery. :p

I'm drained right now, and I should feel more rested than ever.
IF only every day could be a vacation. haha.

I want to hear you sad

2008-06-21T23:39:04Z

Come Monday, I'm expecting a firing. My boss has had it out for me for about 2 weeks now, and is making shit up. Now I'm on administrative leave, and no one will hear me out so far. Fuck that place anyway. :p

I've been feeling extremely nostalgic lately. I've read my old livejournals(and felt extremely embarassed about the contents, haha.) and I've looked at a bunch of ld photos. Thinking about the past, and how much things have changed for me. For being happy in most aspects of my life, I feel incomplete in the social catagory. I have my best friend, and know I can always count on her, but I can't get over how much I miss a lot of my old friends. And I don't know how to reach out to them anymore, because each time I try, I feel shot down. I long to go out for coffee, catch up, and be at least aquaintances. I hate not knowing how everyone I used to care about over the years is doing. I've been dwelling on the past, something I hate doing, and wishing I could just go back and make some things right. But I'm afraid it's too late.

My vacation starts on Wednesday, and I'll be gone for 11 days. I haven't looked more forward to a vacation for awhile, I'm just so ready to get out of here and clear my head. There is so much going on in there, and I can't sort it out anymore. I'm going every which way, and I'm feeling dizzy. I think it will do a lot for me, let me figure out what I'm going to do from here in all aspects of my life. Friends,family, career, life plans. I think seeing my family will put me back in the right direction.

I need this.

call me if you want to catch up or text me while I'm on vacay.
775.225.2727

♥

None of us are who we used to be...

2008-05-21T19:48:06Z

When did everyone become so apathetic?

x___murderer @ 2008-05-19T18:57:00

2008-05-19T18:59:49Z

Things can only get better. Birthday in two weeks. Vacation in five. New job hopefully soon. More money coming in soon on both parties behalf. And assholes are finally being affected by their terrible karma. This summer is looking better by the minute. :)

we call him xanti monster for a reason.

2008-04-27T19:35:44Z

Meet my high maintenance, asshole, escape artist dog, Xanti, as a baby.

No, I do not make him wear goggles just to be an asshole. He has highly sensitive eyes and skin, and these are to prevent him from going blind at an early age.

We also have to apply sunscreen to him before he goes outside. Otherwise, this is what happens:

No, that's not a flesh eating virus, contrary to what we originally believed. Not allergies, and not an autoimmune disease. $200 in vet bills later, we discovered that this is what happens when your asshole escape artist dog decides to lay in the sun for hours while you are not home. A freaking sunburn. And rather than stay in his kennel for a few minutes while I run to the grocery store, 9 times out of 10 I discover him outside of his cage, laying in the sun only to get a sunburn on his nose, eyes, mouth, or various other body parts, which I then have to apply aloe vera and aquaphor to twice daily.

And see if you could figure out how to escape from this cage, which is STILL bungeed to another cage and baby gate as we speak.

No, not the cage that he is standing on, our other dog is in that one. The one baracaded in by three different gates, a centimeter apart from the other cage.

Collapsible rib cage, anyone?

So that is my baby. He is fairly well trained, but he cannot be contained. He costs more in vet bills, food, and accessories than I do. And when he drags every last piece of garbage that he can outside for NO APPARENT REASON!!!!, the thought of murdering him crosses my mind.

But how could you not love this face?

x___murderer @ 2008-04-27T10:29:00

2008-04-27T18:00:38Z

There are days when I find myself thinking about those who I used to call best friends.

I'll admit, I miss a lot of these people. Although they stabbed me in the back multiple times, talked shit about me constantly (and I have seen proof of it on a number of occasions.), and dropped me each time everything felt as if it was falling apart, I find myself wanting to see them again. I was walked all over by these people, but was so trusting that I gave second and third and eighth chances. I would trust someone with a secret or tell them of my feelings, only to find out later that they were being mocked and told to others for their personal enjoyment. These were not good people. I used to be a person of forgive and forget, but these friends have caused me to distrust people. But I still miss them.

I've tried to reconnect with a lot of these people. Pushed all of the past aside, smiled at them in public, tried to talk or meet up, and am answered with either a half-hearted promise for "one of these days" or stupid excuse, never to be mentioned again. And that's if they don't see me and purposely walk the other way. No one can let anything go.

The funny thing is, I did nothing to these people. I stayed loyal to the few people that were there for me, and slowly weeded those out who had no interest in maintaining our friendship. But somehow, I am the one who others avoid. I'm sorry that I called you out for being a shitty friend, and that you were too busy self-medicating with drugs and alcohol to care. And even now, it's obvious that some things do not change.

And while I've grown up, trying to make something of myself for myself, these people seem to have moved backwards.

And yet, with all of the bitterness I have felt towards them, I still miss these former friends.

But then I realize that I don't miss these people. I miss the people they once were.

And if you are one of the people who still makes half of an effort, thank you. You are the few that make me believe that some people are worth trusting.

x___murderer @ 2008-04-26T13:40:00

2008-04-26T20:43:34Z

If I don't get a at least a part time job at the new Whole Foods I am going to start PUNCHING EVERYBODY IN THE FACE!

20% discounts? yes please.

Plus, then I can go go Ringo Starr. And I'm totally buying the EXPENSIVE tickets. Because I feel dangerous.

But yes, I really want a job there. So wish me luck.

sorry its long.

2008-04-20T18:26:00Z

This last week has been awful.

I nearly walked out of my job on three seperate occassions this week. If I didn't have bills to pay, I would be out of there right this minute. The organization is non-existant, and it's dragging each and every one of us employees down.

Then, yesterday I nearly got into a fight with this white trash bitch at the dog park who assumed that my dog bit, so punched him in the side while he was trying to play with her dog. He may be big, and he may be "wolf like," but my husky is the friendliest freaking dog anyone could meet, so she has no right to touch my fucking dog. She was pregnant and three times my width, so all I did was make her look like a fool when my dog proceeded to play with every other person and dog without so much as a growl.

I'm stressed about money, and I'm sick of the house we are in. I want to move into my own house where I can fix anything that doesn't work, or paint over the hideous pink walls without a landlord's approval. I feel like we are suffocating in this one.

Some days I feel trapped in my own skin, more than others. There is so much shit I want to accomplish, and so many things I want to do with my time, but so many things that shouldn't even matter are holding me back.

I have 2 vacations planned, and they are feeling further and further away. I have to raise $1200 by June, and I don't see it happening easily. Jarod is switching jobs now too, and I'm feeling more and more apprehensive about it every day. I want to find a second job, but I need to get a new primary job first.
The worst thing is that I would be totally happy, if money was not involved in any aspects of my life. My relationship is good, my family is well, we are paying our bills, I've got aspirations, but money just keeps getting in the way of doing anything bigger and better. I'd like to spend my paychecks on something other than gasoline and electricity and insurance. I feel as if I'm tossing money out of the window into a fire pit. What are these things doing for me in the long run? Everytime I pay a bill, I get another in the mail, and it's so exhausting to pay thousands of dollars a month just to live.

I'm ready for a change, but the scary thing is that I don't think there is much I can do that I'm not already doing to make it happen.

!!!
And if one more person fucking reminds me that it's 4/20 I'm going to flip out. I don't smoke weed, sorry if I'm lame and don't like using that shit. I don't push my beliefs on you, so don't try to talk me into celebrating 4/20. It's not exactly special, the same people that always smoke pot smoking more pot. You would have done it anyway, so don't blame it on a celebration.

x___murderer @ 2008-04-07T21:10:00

2008-04-08T04:23:24Z

So apparently Park Lane Movie Theatres were being robbed while we were trying to buy movie tickets. And rather than leaving people in their movies unaware, or implementing a proper evacuation and telling everyone what was going on, they had people leave their movies to stand in the lobby or right outside the doors to watch while the armed robber was still around. The police didn't ask anyone to leave, the theatre didn't offer refunds, instead they just let everyone stand and watch.

Applause for poor security procedures.

Then, after leaving Riverside Theatres at 1:00am, two guys were having an argument because one of them was talking shit, or something.
So the smaller guy asks him to back off so he can have a good night, and the larger guy tries to walk towards him. The small guy's girlfriend tries to get the larger guy to back off, and he fucking pushes her to the ground.

So then of course there is a fight in the middle of the parking garage, holding up the cars, the girl is screaming and crying, and everyone's yelling and freaking out.

Good times.

Was it a full moon last night, or what the hell?